Points & Punts

Sigma Chi Frat House

A few members of the Sigma Chi fraternity recently bought an apartment on Witherspoon Street. This caused the Tory to wonder if members of other student organizations might follow suit. Just imagine all the wild and crazy parties that the Anscombe Society would throw if they had their own house.

In response, President Tilghman has announced that she will be sending out strongly worded letters to all freshmen, discouraging them from buying apartments.

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Clarence Thomas’s 5-year Silence

As of this month, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has refrained from asking questions during oral arguments for the past five years. Numerous explanations have been floated around for the judge’s protracted silence, but evidence uncovered by the Tory suggests that Thomas’ reticence to speak can be traced to an incident five years ago where Antonin Scalia jinxed Thomas after the two simultaneously shouted “original intent” during a discussion of the commerce clause. The jinx has remained in place ever since, as Thomas has refused to buy Scalia a coke.

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Eating Club Drop-offs

Princeton’s bicker clubs have announced that, on the advice of the Eating Club Task Force, they will be abandoning pickups, instead implementing the “drop-offs” system advocated by University Vice President Bob Durkee. In a joint statement, the presidents of Cottage, TI, Tower, Ivy, and Cap and Gown explained, “In future years, all bickerees will be asked to assemble at their respective clubs on the Friday following bicker for pre-drop-offs festivities. The club members will then lead the sophomores on a march across campus, dropping off those students who have been hosed to their rooms before heading back to the clubs to celebrate.”  Tower President Joey Barnett told the Tory, “Until now, the Friday of pick-ups has been an extremely negative experience for those who are hosed. Under the new system, socially inferior students will be offered the opportunity to celebrate with their superior peers for a few hours prior to being hosed without being burdened with the knowledge that no one in the club likes them. This system also serves to enhance the experience of getting hosed. Rather than inform students that they’ve been hosed with a solemn message delivered personally by friends, we’ll surprise students by walking the drop-off parade to their room, spraying them with champagne and shaving cream, and leaving them alone in their room to clean up the mess we make in the process.”

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Arts and Crafts Neighborhood

University President Shirley Tilghman announced last month that the University would start to develop alternative plans for the construction of an Arts and Crafts Neighborhood. “I simply don’t understand why the Borough was unable to accept our proposal,” President Tilghman explained. “We had a plan in place to replace Princeton Station with a superior facility made of paper mache at no cost to the taxpayer.” Borough Council member Jenny Crumiller issued a formal response to President Tilghman in a post on the Daily Princetonian’s online comment board, explaining, “The plan offered to us called for moving the Dinky six feet away from its current location. Any Princeton student who has ever seen geriatric ‘townees’ attend University events is likely aware that our constituents would be incapable of walking the extra few feet to the platform.”

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AOL-Huffington Post

Ted Turner famously claimed that the AOL-Time Warner deal was “better than sex.” Perhaps, then, it could be said that the AOL-Huffington Post deal is “about as good as sex with Arianna Huffington.”

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Third Term Yaro

Early straw polling data suggests that current USG president Michael Yaroshefsky is an early front runner for next term’s elections. Despite his repeated objections – “I’m graduating, I swear!” – The Tory believes that Yaro is just being modest. An unprecedented third term seems to be on the cards unless the opposition party puts up a candidate that can compete with him. Polly Korbel is considered to be one of the early potential opponents to a third-term Yaro, but the same straw poll shows that 60% of the university does not consider her yet ready to lead.

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Dean Malkiel

Last term, Dean Nancy Malkiel announced her resignation. So the Tory wasn’t wrong after all; we just broke the story early. Really, really early. In light of this development, the Tory feels that the University community owes it an apology and about three years of lost credibility. And a Pulitzer, please.

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Egyptian Elections

In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the Muslim Brotherhood has put forward a candidate for the office of president in Egypt. As well as being the perfect intersection of western liberal democracy and devoted Muslim fundamentalism*, Barack Obama also has a few more perks on his resume. It is believed that his Nobel Prize will endear him to those who embrace liberal western values, but his constant belittling of America sits well with more conservative Muslims. Aside from this (and his totally awesome beach body), his election in Egypt will inevitably usher in a referendum on race. Mr. Obama is vying to be Egypt’s first ever African president.

*Disclaimer: The Tory does not actually believe that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. He isn’t. Probably.

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Justin Bieber
It recently came to the Tory’s attention that Justin Bieber is Canadian (as if we needed another reason to hate him). Now we can add him to the ever-growing list of terrible Canadian musicians: Avril Lavigne, Shania Twain, Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Nickleback, Simple Plan, Sum 41, and The Guess Who. Seriously, who names a band The Guess Who?

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Josh Weinstein Only

Considering all the positive publicity that “The Social Network” has brought to Facebook, we have considered producing a movie to help out former USG president Josh Weinstein ’09 with his own social networking ambitions. To help promote “Josh Weinstein Only,” the following taglines have been developed:

“You don’t get to 5 friends without making a few enemies.”

“You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? Zero dollars.”

A business card with the words, “I’m CEO. $h*t.”

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Sheenanigans

Rumor has it that due an impending countersuit and restraining order filed by television producer Chuck “Chaim Levine” Lorre, Charlie Sheen may be legally forced into permanently leaving “Two and a Half Men.” A coworker who was interviewed on the condition of anonymity said that the cast will miss him, but that they are committed to continuing the show as simply “Two Men.”

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The Art of Miscommunication

A rendition of “The Vagina Monologues” was performed this past month in the Class of 1970 Theatre in Whitman College. Not only was it the most vulgar student play in Princeton history, but it also contained no dialogue whatsoever! While at least one Tory member did see the production, thankfully none was ever in the class of 1970.

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Jeopardy

In its 27th season, the game show “Jeopardy!” is now itself in jeopardy of cancellation after a torrent of protest letters from its primary viewing audience following the victory of IBM’s Watson over former champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter on Judgment Day: February 14-16, 2011.

Noted former viewer and current Los Angeles County AARP commissioner Stanley Winifred organized the letter campaign, claiming that the contest was rigged by the show’s producers: “That Watson couldn’t have done it by himself! I know my internet apparatus doesn’t function half the time and the other half the time that Bing or Microsoft or what have you keeps giving me viruses about fixing my apparatus. By golly, Watson didn’t even know Toronto was in Canada.”

No word has arrived from local affiliates, but the show’s executive producer, Harry Friedman, dismissed the protests. In his conversation with the Tory, he cited a growing viewership that included cybernetic organisms and Alex Trebek’s ego.

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Biden

This past January, Vice President Joe Biden fulfilled his civic duty by responding to a jury summons at the New Castle County courthouse in the Great State of Delaware. While other political leaders including President Obama have normally been excused from appearing for jury summons due to their constant service to the country, Biden reflected on the importance of his contribution to society. “It is honor to be a part of the system,” Biden told reporters after a lunch recess at the County courthouse.

Unfortunately for Biden, his contribution to the system was rather brief, as he was dismissed from jury selection on the first day. The Tory”s team of legal experts speculated that Biden may have be excluded by the attorneys for his unabated excitement to serve on the jury. Additionally, sources close to the court have indicated that the case may have involved an incident at a local 7-11, which left attorneys skeptical about Biden’s judgment.

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Berlusconi

Self-proclaimed the “Jesus Christ of politics” for his willingness to sacrifice himself for the people, Italian President Silvio Berlusconi apparently also possesses divine powers of another sort.  Questioned recently about his sex scandal involving a 17 year-old girl, Berlusconi defended himself against the charge of knowingly sleeping with a minor by stating, “I’m a prophetic politician, always looking to the future.  And when I looked into the future, what I saw was that she was 18.”

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Michelle Obama’s Breast Feeding Campaign

Michelle Obama’s recent statement that breast-pumps should be tax-deductible has drawn criticism from several conservative politicians.  Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, for instance, suggested that the statement was a response to high milk prices, and Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) charged the First Lady with attempting to establish a “nanny state.”  Nevertheless, the Tory is glad to see such an illustrious Princeton alumna addressing one of our nation’s most – er – pressing issues.

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