Points & Punts

When the Tory returned from a restful Thanksgiving Break with the folks (Think we’re conservative? You haven’t met Dad…), we were surprised to find campus littered with fliers promulgating myths and facts about feminism. We were inspired to compose a few of our own, which we hope to see posted on campus soon:

Myth: Feminists are very defensive about their ideology.

Fact: What the f*ck do you mean by that!? Feminists are very secure in their intellectual and political space on campus. They do not feel at all threatened by long-term political trends, widespread disagreement with their radicalized message, or benign misconceptions about them and their beliefs.

Myth: Feminism has an image problem.

Fact: Why would you say such a thing? If feminists had an image problem, they would likely be engaging in ill-conceived publicity campaigns to improve their perception on campus. Sh*t….

The recent security breach at President Obama’s first state dinner left a sour note on an otherwise successful event. If intruders can get past what is supposed to be an impenetrable security checkpoint at a carefully guarded party, we cannot be confident in the safety of the President, or other attendees at the party for that matter. The Secret Service will have to undergo a serious restructuring in light of this grave development. The Tory is outraged that Joe Biden was allowed to crash the President’s party, left alone to roam free and terrorize dinner guests with his off-color jokes and rambling stories.

Considering that the United States has begun to remove the word and notion of “Christmas” from the public square while simultaneously accepting all other points of view, the Tory thinks it is only prudent to begin to brainstorm some potential songs for future holiday seasons. Below are some recommendations:

We Wish You a Merry Solstice

Thor Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

I Saw Mommy Kissing Mrs. Claus

Rocking Around the Festivus Pole

Feliz Solsticio

Frosty the Snowperson

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Winter

The First Kwanza

In a shocking development, Prof. Melissa Harris-Lacewell has announced her retirement from her longstanding blog, The Kitchen Table. The Tory is deeply saddened and disturbed by her decision, not so much because we will miss her acute insight on American politics, such as calling the 2008 election a “referendum on white supremacy”, but because we are losing a wonderful source of inspiration for the Points & Punts. Thanks for making our job that much easier over the years, Melissa. Your absence will be missed.

It has just been discovered that a 2005 Texas law intending to ban gay marriage has in fact banned all marriages by accidentally including the clause, “this state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.” The Tory applauds the Texas lawmakers’ bold decision to proclaim what has long been the case yet gone unstated, namely that marriage, beleaguered as it by the modern liberal and feminist agenda, has itself come to suck. Like a dying animal, it would be far better to end its misery than to let it continue on suffering.

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