In recent months, groups such as PETA have criticized Princeton for its animal rights record, which is tied with Yale for the worst among the Ivy League schools. The Tory thought it might be interesting to look at how Princeton stacks upon against the rest of the Ancient Eight in other measures.
Polo shirts– With an average of eighteen polos per enrolled student, Princeton edges out Yale, with seventeen. Dartmouth comes in last, as students there rarely wear anything other than togas.
Names– The median Princeton student has four names and one title, putting us second to Harvard, where the median student has five names and two titles, according to information given to us by Harvard student Winston Coatesworth Billingsley Killington Rutherford IV, Jr. Lowest among the Ivies was Brown, where every student goes by the name, “dude.”
Football– Princeton clearly is in the basement of the Ivy League, and only barely ahead of Mount Holyoke and Bryn Mawr.
The Tory wishes to issue belated congratulations to Professor Chris Sims, the 2011 winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics. It’s nice to have a Princeton professor win a Nobel who actually deserves it.
Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been the victim of online pranksters who have attempted to give his name a rather unfortunate definition. In that spirit, the Tory thought it would be fun to do the same (albeit more tastefully) for some of Princeton’s top administrators.
Malkiel, noun. The sinking feeling of disappointment that one experiences upon realizing that one’s best efforts are never enough.
After receiving a B+ on the Con Interp paper I stayed up all night writing, I had an intense Malkiel.
Tilghman, verb. To favor members of one’s gender, race, religion, or class.
Bob wasn’t the most qualified candidate for the promotion, but he got it anyway because the boss totally Tilghmaned him.
Princeton has gone nearly 9 months without Dean Malkiel and everyone is wondering, when will grades stop being deflated? The policy has failed. Students are more stressed, applicants are scared away, and graduates are less competitive in the job market. While Princeton has somewhat of a tradition of maintaining counter-productive policies (think ‘break’ before finals), and Nassau Hall is wary about tarnishing Malkiel’s “outstanding” reputation, grade deflation’s systemic damage is difficult to ignore.
In anticipation of the day when the policy is reversed, we at the Tory want to maintain a clock which counts the hours from when Malkiel left her post until grade deflation is removed. To view the real-time count-up, go to our blog site at theprincetontory.com. Once the announcement comes, parties will ensue. So bring out your confetti because the Good News is coming your way soon!
Instead of expressing disgust at Princeton’s affiliation with a social movement dedicated to camping out in the winter and dirtying our nation’s parks, the Tory has decided to offer advice and support to the Occupy Princeton group. We thought that the movement’s hatred of the economic 1% was too limited. We thought they had to Occupy more broadly.
Occupy Princeton should protest the 1% of best students at Princeton. It is simply unjust that they get A’s when others are punished with B’s and C’s. Unlike economics, grades at Princeton are a zero sum game. Princeton should redistribute the A’s evenly over us, the 99%.
Our environmentalist friends have complained that after they read the Tory cover to cover they don’t know what to do with their issue. Heaven forbid they throw it away. We know present Sustainable Re-Uses for your Tory:
1) Send it to the family. It’s a great gift for any holiday.
2) Create a Tory collage. Use your favorite quotes and pictures to portray your true political colors.
3) Hang it on your wall. Political conservatism is known to increase feng shui.