Points and Punts

In this edition of Points & Punts, Tory members reveal this year’s other recipients of the Nobel Prize, poke fun at RINOs, offer the Prince and their readers some writing tips, and thank the administration for the new “facilities.”

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Breaking News from Scandinavia!

The 2009 Nobel Prize for Economics:

Sam Norton ’12, who achieved a B- in ECO 101.

The 2009 Nobel Prize for Physics:

Tristan Taormino, who will be speaking at Princeton this November, for being a pioneer (missionary?) for alternative sex.

The 2009 Nobel Prize for Chemistry:

Bill Nye the Science Guy, for his contributions to children’s after school television.

The 2009 Nobel Prize for Literature:

Marjorie Smith, for having recently received a Ph.D. in English literature and showing great promise for future success.

The 2009 Nobel Prize for Medicine:

Dr. Gregory House of the local Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, for advances in differential diagnosis.

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Reminding the world of the enduring truth that, “the only thing found in the middle of the road is road kill,” Senator Olympia Snowe (RINO-ME) decided to buck her party and support the Obamacare bill in a committee vote. Snowe is most likely unmoved by fears that this massive expansion of government power will squeeze the middle-class and small business owners with higher taxes and increased premiums—with an estimated net worth of nearly $12 million (making her the 26th richest member of Congress) she will not have to suffer the consequences of her monumental error. In defense of her position, she uttered a morsel of trenchant commentary likely to rank her alongside such great Senate orators as Daniel Webster and Henry Clay: “When history calls, history calls.” Here are a few other robust justifications the Tory recalls Snowe offering for her past decisions.

On voting for the stimulus package:

“When the economy is bad, it’s bad.”

On approving the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor:

“When the nominee’s a wise Latina, she’s a wise Latina.”

On not voting on a 2006 military commission bill: “When nature calls, nature calls.”

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Princeton University prides itself on serving as a bastion of intellectual discussion. In the fashion of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, we debate the best arguments on all sides of the issues and arrive at a reasonable answer. Nowhere is this phenomenon more prominently on display than in the online comments section of The Daily Princetonian. Here is a short sampling of the erudite musings proffered by our anonymous intellectuals:

Posted by ’12: “The enemy of Anscombe is not the LGBT group; it’s happiness. Read the prophet John Stuart Mill and thenceforth, shut the [expletive] up.”

Yes, the J.S. Mill acolyte (disciple? apostle?) denying the liberty of expression of a colleague. Somewhere, the brilliant though misguided intellectual is turning over in his grave (so long as the motion does not disturb nearby corpses).

Posted by ’10: “Joel, I am also bugged by the campus Go-Sex! attitude, but you and that Brandon kid are not helping. Both your writing skills’ suck and I’ve never heard a rational, well-defended solution from you whether on politics or social issues.”

OK, let’s parse the phrase “Both your writing skills’ suck.” The Tory is particularly fond of the gratuitous apostrophe appended to the plural “skills.” Grammatically, it seems to mean the following, addressed to the author: “Both of your [distinct and independent] sets of writing skills [that you apparently simultaneously contain and express] possess [some item or quality] called ‘suck.’” All while critiquing the author’s (authors? authors’?) style. Looks like someone needs to re-up on the Writing Seminar.

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But where would the readers of the Prince be without their fearless leaders? The writers, columnists, and editors at our prestigious periodical truly represent some of the campus’s best and brightest. In an attempt to assist them in their quest to bring enlightenment to the student body, the Tory has taken the liberty of suggesting a few headlines that can be utilized in future editions of the newspaper.

University comes out of the closet on gender-neutral housing

Tilghman pledges to abstain from chastity center

Nassau Hall announces new limits on printing and Asians

The Sexpert: merging the bedroom and the bathroom

Not just a ‘cunning linguist’

… Oh wait, they already used that last one.

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Despite the administration’s high hopes for Campus Club as a place in which all students can come together to relax, study, or socialize in an inclusive, friendly, and (mostly) alcohol-free environment as an alternative to the elitist and clique-y eating clubs, it seems that most students who wander through the club’s doors on weekend evenings are merely looking for a bathroom.

We would like to congratulate the administration for providing such a welcoming and convenient pit stop for students on their way to and from the Street. After a long night of dancing, playing Beirut, and drinking Beast, it sure is nice to have such a beautifully renovated place to stop for a bathroom and even to get some free water on the walk back to campus. Sure, we could have gone to Frist for that, but Campus Club—located on the corner of the Street itself—is so much more convenient! We’re so glad the administration is always working to make our lives easier.

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