The Tory congratulates the Daily Princetonian et al. for hazing the hell out of the fraternity system.


Michelle (Again)

Much flak has been given to First Lady Michelle Obama ’85 for her decision not to attend her 25th Princeton reunion. But we ought to be rational and consider her modus operandi: when Barack is finally elected President of the University, for the first time in her adult life she will be proud to be a Princetonian.


Robot Tigress Attack

“Open your eyes, I see, your eyes are open.” – Erasure

“If you go to a Triangle show, you will see the rainbow coalition on that stage…It looks like America.” – President Tilghman

She’d jump through the air dashing through the Trustees,

That Robot Tigress on Triangle whimsies,

Her tactics were tactful, USG she could please,

And my eating club she turned to…more useless University space.



The latest skirmish in the media wars has taken a lyrical twist. Fox News’ Bernie Goldberg has accused Daily Show host Jon Stewart of treating liberal guests on his program more generously than conservatives, a claim he vividly – and nauseatingly – illustrated by saying that Stewart “gave [left-wing columnist Frank Rich] a lap dance.” In response, Stewart rolled out a gospel choir to condemn Goldberg for being hypocritical, given Fox’s perceived pro-Republican slant. The bluesy number concluded with Stewart and his backup singers repeatedly telling Goldberg to “go [expletive] himself.” Goldberg plans to retaliate with a Broadway musical dedicated to exposing political favoritism on Comedy Central.



The Princeton Committee for Palestine (PCP) assembled an “Apartheid Wall” outside Frist last month to protest Israel’s policies towards Palestineans living in the West Bank and Gaza strip. Unfortunately, the wall measured less than 10 feet across, hardly enough to slow a ravaged Princetonian from his late-meal dinner. Perhaps next year the PCP would consider consulting an Israeli engineer – they seem to build walls quite well, seeing as the one surrounding the Gaza strip has stopped all suicide bombers originating from that region.


The Passion of the Crist

Florida Governor Charlie Crist recently announced his intent to run as an Independent candidate in the 2010 Senate elections.  When asked if his decision were simply based on his obvious inability to perform in the polls, he denied the notion vehemently.  Instead, he focused on his ability to discern what was good for all people, additionally noting that he was “running for our sins.”  The Tory appreciates his candidness, but wonders whether Crist has considered the inevitable outcome suggested by his statements.

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