Late last month, Connor Diemand-Yauman and two inferior Princeton students, also seniors, were announced as Young Alumni Trustee finalists. CDY is expected to win as usual, but this time solely on the leadership skills demonstrated in his September 28, 2009 email entitled, “READ THIS IF YOU LIVE IN BROWN!”:
A few reminders about living in Brown:
Please don’t shit in the trashcans or pee in the hallway. It might feel good when you’re doing it but you and others will most likely pay for it down the line (which is, strangely enough, a lesson learned from the story of my conception). If you do pee or poop somewhere other than a toilet, just let us know or slip an anonymous note under our door- it’s pretty shitty just to leave it there (da dum cha!)
Please don’t smoke in the courtyard. This one sucks, and Im [sic] actually guilty of breaking this rule with a fine group of guys and a really strong hookah about a week ago. But yeah, we can’t do that anymore and if we get caught Psafety can write us up. If you do do it, don’t get caught.”
In breaking news, Switzerland has now begun manufacturing and selling extra-small condoms for boys as young as 12 years old. This comes after the recent announcement that Janet Dickerson has accepted the post of Director of the Federal Office of Public Health in Switzerland.
A trio of New York politicians has attracted attention for their misdeeds lately. These include:
- Governor David Paterson, accused of intervening to cover up the domestic abuse investigation of a top aide. Apparently something about being Governor of New York leads to disrespect for women. In contrast, his predecessor, Eliot Spitzer, was willing to dole out a handsome sum of money to the call girl he frequented during his time in office.
- Congressman Charlie Rangel, who stepped down as Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee amid allegations of tax evasion. Rangel’s decision to ignore the very laws that he helps write may seem unusual, until one remembers that Tim Geithner, who as Secretary of the Treasury oversees the IRS, has also been negligent in paying his taxes. We are still waiting for a response from Joe Biden, who in the past has declared that paying taxes is “patriotic.”
- While the crimes committed by these two men are of a fairly mundane sort, a third Empire State resident, former Congressman Eric Massa, has sought fit to provide the nation with a more salacious scandal. Massa recently resigned his seat following revelations that he had sexual harassed members of his staff. He confessed that the incident in question was “a tickle fight, and nothing more.” At least he didn’t send suggestive instant messages.
Just one year into her husband’s term, First Lady Michelle Obama ’85 has donated her Inaugural gown to the Smithsonian Institute’s National Museum of American History. It will be featured in the First Ladies Collection, a.k.a. “Exhibit of Overpriced, One-Use Memorabilia Paid for by the American Taxpayer.” Luckily for us, admission is free!
Princeton students have long labored in the darkness, bereft of a towering intellectual genius to provide firm yet reasonable opinions for our eager consumption. Seeing this problem, Divine Providence has bestowed upon us Brendan Carroll, Daily Princetonian columnist. Like another famous journalist, Carroll possesses superhuman powers, allowing him to resolve divisive campus debates in just a few keystrokes. Carroll is rumored to be so persuasive that he could singlehandedly convince every member of the Anscombe Society to support gay marriage. Boundless praise for our savior pours out into cyberspace, often arising spontaneously in comments of identical content and phrasing. We salute you, Brendan Carroll, the Chuck Norris of Princeton University.
We decided to write a joke poking fun at Colonial Club, because there are no Colonial members at the Tory. But then we remembered that there are no Colonial members at all.